[ live a life of ease ]

"Just be more social."

Really? Why do I have to be the one that has to change? What's wrong with it just being one-on-one? Am I so unbearable that people need a large group around? A buffer? Am I really that detestable, that people can't stand to be alone with me?

Even when I try it doesn't work out.

Cor, I'm so lonely it hurts. :(

Parents always say things like you need to get a job, and move out, you have to think about what you're going to do. You have to get a life. Things I unconsciously find myself thinking about all the time.

I wonder, though, if mom realizes that the day I move out is the day I (truly) become a hermit. Let's be honest here, I'm not going to call them to talk. Maybe on holidays, if even. Unless they help me move I'm probably not likely to give them/anyone my new address. I'll be cutting my ties.

Maybe I'm being selfish, or really wasting my life, but I really think that's what I would end up doing. I would be happy being left alone for the rest of my life after this.

I'm in a weird spot right now.

I'm just really irritated at everyone and everything is just like... exhausting. I want to leave. I want to just be left alone.

I feel like I need to get a job and save up all my money and just leave and be by myself. I've always wanted to live in China Town. Always. I'd love to have an apartment or tiny bungalow or something and just be there. I basically know the area and everything is pretty much within walking distance. I would be SO happy.

Man... I need to get it together.

Just watched a documentary/movie about religion and stuff, and the host (the director I guess) made the basic statement that "Religion is the root of evil", and went on to talk about Christian, Islamic, and (barely) Judaic fundamentalists and extremists.

He was OBVIOUSLY very scientific and an evolutionist, but when he was talking to people about their beliefs, he was very arrogant and offensive, and he was a total hypocrite! The things he said about religious people and things they do with their religions, is exactly the same things he does with evolutionism! The way he acted towards people made it really hard to get his message and points, because he was just such an ASS.

There was a group discussion kind of thing with an audience who was watching the film, but a lot of them didn't really question him directly, but instead strayed from the topic slightly and focused on arguing with each other about points made.

Of course, there were things said in the film that I spoke up about, mom and dad too, and it got me so riled up! I'm not religous or anything, but I'm at least courteous and RESPECTFUL of religious people's beliefs! I don't blatantly oppose their beliefs, and say it's wrong or evil or whatever. That guy made me so mad. Honestly.

Well. Now that i'm all excited, I'm going to sleep.

I hate the way I react to things sometimes.

Like today in law we were doing debates. Sure, I was nervous as hell, but that's never been a big deal. It was going fine, but then rebuttal time comes, everything is ok, and then BAM. I get to the part where I was to bring up Stockholm syndrome and my brain just stops functioning and I just can't do anything. I was freaking out and shaking like a goddamned leaf. I could say it when we were practicing, but when we went against the other people I couldn't say anything about it, and then after that I couldn't say a single thing. I mean, I had points that would go against theirs but I just couldn't say them. I don't know what was wrong with me. It was really scary.

I really hate debating anyway, so that added to it, and then I'm under so much stress about everything... I wish I could take tomorrow off, I would, but I've got a presentation to do for an ISU and I have to go in and GOD. I'm so stressed out.

Been feeling depressed today, not sure why. I just feel really really bad. I wonder if something happened... (maybe I'll ask my cards later and see if anything comes up, because this is so weird)

Had an interesting conversation at lunch today. Somehow we got onto the topic of sex/marriage. Katherine and Alicia said they would save sex until after they were married, and I think Jen said that too. I don't remember what Verena said about it, and I said it wouldn't matter, but I'd probably never end up doing it anyway. *dies* Then Alicia said I was like "an athiest nun". XD Yes, I do realize that is somewhat of an oxymoron, but damn, it's funny. Alicia, you win at LIFE. :D

I also couldn't help but notice that even when friends are in a big group together, they will form little groups among themselves. Two or three friends will have inside jokes with eachother, or some will know something others don't, and it breaks everyone up, even in a large group! Everyone is friends and happy with everyone else, but will only share things with particular friends! Why can't people just share everything? No secrets among friends, it just makes things complicated. I mean, that's what friends are for right? To help eachother out with problems and such... but that isn't easy if some don't know what's going on, but still want to help! I bet if everyone in the world was open and honest, then there might not be as many problems are there are now.

...Wow. Looks like hippie!April decided to come out and play. o_O;;

Watching the movie Ali in world religion. Yay boxing. It makes me happy, but nothing beats Jesus Christ Superstar, nyaa~

( I should really stop doing this... )

PP UPDATE: green pants