[ live a life of ease ]

Nights like this, I really wish I was working. It's such a good distraction.

I keep going over things in my mind and getting depressed, even though I really have nothing to complain about, only little, superficial things... compared to everyone else, my life is just so insignificant.

Things that might not even be true, things that would probably never even happen...

I feel so overwhelmed by everything.

Already thinking about my birthday.

Already getting depressed.

UGH.

It's almost my 22nd birthday.

The more I think about it, the more I want to cry.

Thinking about it now, I haven't really talked to a lot of people; and that has absolutely nothing with the fact that I never, ever, start conversations. There have been chances, yes, but I just haven't been social.

I imagine that's why I'm always so unhappy. Being both a taurus and a dragon, it's natural for me to be a social being, thriving in those situations. But I'm just not doing it. Even with people I see everyday. I lock myself up, even though I know I enjoy it.

I can't help but wonder if things would be different if nothing happened in grade seven.

I woke up this morning and was just lying in bed, I didn't want to get up. I heard scratches under my bed. The exact same ones that Zoro made when he crawled under there to sleep. I cried so much. Man, my eyes are still red. A little part of me is hoping that he came to visit me and I didn't just hallucinate it.

Still depressed, so here's a quick little thing.

- Legs feeling considerably better, knee is killing me. Hurts if I put any sort of pressure on it.
- Watched The Outsiders.
- Been having difficulty eating normally.
- Dad and Kyle acting like assholes, not helping much.

So basically, only one good thing happened so far today, that being The Outsiders. I love that movie.

Been feeling depressed today, not sure why. I just feel really really bad. I wonder if something happened... (maybe I'll ask my cards later and see if anything comes up, because this is so weird)

Had an interesting conversation at lunch today. Somehow we got onto the topic of sex/marriage. Katherine and Alicia said they would save sex until after they were married, and I think Jen said that too. I don't remember what Verena said about it, and I said it wouldn't matter, but I'd probably never end up doing it anyway. *dies* Then Alicia said I was like "an athiest nun". XD Yes, I do realize that is somewhat of an oxymoron, but damn, it's funny. Alicia, you win at LIFE. :D

I also couldn't help but notice that even when friends are in a big group together, they will form little groups among themselves. Two or three friends will have inside jokes with eachother, or some will know something others don't, and it breaks everyone up, even in a large group! Everyone is friends and happy with everyone else, but will only share things with particular friends! Why can't people just share everything? No secrets among friends, it just makes things complicated. I mean, that's what friends are for right? To help eachother out with problems and such... but that isn't easy if some don't know what's going on, but still want to help! I bet if everyone in the world was open and honest, then there might not be as many problems are there are now.

...Wow. Looks like hippie!April decided to come out and play. o_O;;

Watching the movie Ali in world religion. Yay boxing. It makes me happy, but nothing beats Jesus Christ Superstar, nyaa~

( I should really stop doing this... )

PP UPDATE: green pants

Crap crap crap. April was feeling depressed and sick today, but she decided to act all YAY HAPPY HAPPY instead of being all gloomy. She had a math test and she thinks she failed it because she's pretty sure she used a bunch of the wrong forumals.

Those bitches in her 3rd period class were being so annoying today too! They kept making fun of her, Jen, and Verena. She was so pissed off! She wanted to go and punch them in the face. Rawr. She's debating on whether she should go to the mall and get things for voodoo dolls or not. Voodoo dolls are pretty damn tempting. There was a mass thingy today for easter, it was pretty typical stuff. Jen and Ashley were eating goldfish.

Hee, April jumped in puddles when she was walking home from school. It was fun, it made her feel better. Hopefully the easter break will be cheerful and such.

She isn't quite sure why, but April wanted to have a cigarette today. She isn't going to though. She's still feeling sick, so she might go to sleep for a while, maybe it'll make her feel a little better. Or maybe not. :/

PP UPDATE: green pants

I'm feeling a lot better today! Well, depression-wise. I still feel kinda sick, blah. I didn't get much sleep either... I kept waking up in the middle of the night with these awful coughing fits. Not fun.

I have to clean my room today, probably for the whole day. It has to be spotless. :/ Actually, the entire house has to be cleaned and fixed up in two weeks so we can put it up for sale, nyaa. (I'll probably be really depressed again during those weeks...)

I'm gonna try to write more happy things, becuase I'm sure no one wants to read about how depressed I am, it's not very fun. I'll also try to be more happy, because being depressed sucks, and its really wearing me out. Blah.


Quote of the Day:
"If you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans. I'm not sure that motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick lying in bed all day watching TV, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble." - George Carlin

Omg, cheer up emo kid x100!! :(

We went to look at the new house today, and picked out carpet/floor colors and stuff, and I'm SUPER DEPRESSED now. I don't want to move! Especially not into a townhouse! It's so small! ;_; What made the me most upset was that I was looking through models and such, and there's a house with the EXACT same layout as the townhouse, only it's a little bigger. I didn't mention it to the 'rents though, cause they'd just get pissed off and yell at me. Fuck.

*sigh* At least we won't be moving until the summer. And I'll still be going to the same school, so that's good. It sucks majorly... but it can't be helped.

I'm gonna go play tetris now.


EDIT, 12:20am:
(for lack of anything better to do...)

Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
Your Name/Username
Favorite Number?
Favorite Color?
Gender?	FemaleMaleUndecidedBoth
How will you commit suicide?	You will stab a knife through your heart
How many tries will it take?	90
When will you commit suicide?	April 22, 2034
What will your suicide note say?	The munchkins made me do it!
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I'm going to die on my birthday!? WTF. That's even more depresssing... and damn eerie too. o_o (curse those munchkins!)